Stuck

I had a weird day at work today.  It wasn’t a bad day, it wasn’t a good day, it wasn’t a stressful day, or even a regular ol’ ‘Monday’ day (you know what I mean, right?)  It was just…weird.  I think it was because I was sad.

I came off of a wonderful three-day weekend, which started with the feast of St. Anthony, and ended with Father’s Day.  My husband was treated to all kinds of yummy goodness, courtesy of yours truly.  We kidnapped babysat a dear friend’s baby while she packed to move, we played board games, and we painted on a table’s width of brown kraft paper just for the heck of it, and took naps.  We read some books and made each other laugh.

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Making “Pain Perdue,’ aka Lost Bread, aka French Toast for the feast of St. Anthony – hubby’s patron

I treasure the stretches of time where I can work in my domestic life *AND* not feel exhausted…a magical combination precipitated occasionally by freak occurrences like the aforementioned three-day weekend with NOTHING AT ALL NO SIRREE BOB on our family calendar.  I even found time for a little home decorating.  Superman found a handmade solid-wood bookshelf at an estate sale on Friday, so I spent Saturday cleaning it and getting it ready to serve as our new entertainment center.

Can you believe this beauty was only $10?!
Can you believe this beauty was only $10?!

Sunday was of course the feast of the Holy Trinity, and Father’s Day as well.  I cooked Superman his favorite meal, Skyped with my own dad, and presented Superman with his Father’s Day gift (which I fully intend to “share” with him – Verbum software!)

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Homemade cards. It’s how we roll, yo. And check out that awesome logo!

OK, OK, you get it, right?  We had a great weekend.  I was in my domestic happy place.  I was cooking for my family, cleaning our home, and nourishing our spiritual lives.  So why was I so sad today?  Shouldn’t I be full of joy?  And smiles?  And fulfillment? And thankful for the blissful moments of the weekend?  And shouldn’t I be a light unto the darkness?  And letting the work Christ wrought in my heart all weekend radiate forth and spilleth over into my work and unto mine coworkers?

Well…yeah, I should be.  And I am trying.  And the disparity between what brought me joy this weekend, and what I make of my work life is why I was sad. I don’t love housework, but I love creating a home for my family.   I have slowly, over time, learned how to appreciate cultivating a domestic home life.  I’ve discovered that it can be a means of growing in virtue, if approached with the right attitude.  And because I know this, I long for the ability to pursue that growth.

I feel stuck.  And the devil preys on this.  He reminds me I don’t want to be here, that I’d rather be home snuggling with those cuties.  He reminds me I am tired.  He reminds me of the coworker who has been giving me the cold shoulder.  He reminds me of how it’s ONLY Monday.  He reminds me there’s still another six hours until I get to go home.  He reminds me I have 73 unread emails. He reminds me I am tired.  He reminds me I am sweating because the HVAC hasn’t cooled off the building yet from the accumulation of Texas heat over the weekend.  He reminds me I forgot my lunch at home.  He reminds me I’m tired.  He reminds me I am unhappy. And how do I respond?  By feeling stuck.  And throwing a pity party for one.

I’m overlooking something.  An opportunity for growth that is right here in front of me.

I used to have a great quote from St. Josemaria Escriva taped on my monitor.  I’m not sure why I don’t have it there anymore, but I’m gonna make a new little slip of paper tomorrow and tape it where I can see it.

“Persevere in the exact fulfillment of the obligations of the moment. That work – humble, monotonous, small – is prayer expressed in action that prepares you to receive the grace of the other work – great and wide and deep – of which you dream.”
The Way, 825 

Regardless of where I *think* I should be serving God, the reality is that I am where God has placed me.  All He’s asking of me is the fulfillment of His Will in each moment.  I need to remember that working outside the home, when approached with the right attitude, is cultivating virtue, too.  That providing for my family is just as important as keeping my home.  That there are great opportunities for growing in grace in the workplace, too.

In the grand scheme of things, I should be doing my best for God no matter where I am, because I love Him no matter where He has me.  To be unsatisfied because I’d rather be somewhere else is to be unsatisfied with Gods plan for our family.  If I truly trust Him, I need to let go and trust Him.  It’s not my job to look at the big picture.  It’s my job to look at the tiny little details, and fulfill His will for me there, in bite-size pieces.  In training my own will in these small matters, in learning to be grateful for the opportunities of spiritual growth, God is drawing me closer to Himself and allowing me to be united more closely to His will.  This is where true happiness lies, right?  In doing His will?  Who am I to question where I am to do it?  It is important that I just do it.

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